What Left and Right Really Mean When Discussing Racism

#BlackLivesMatter, #SystemicRacism

• What it Should Mean
• I notice a trend in which Black people appear to be treated unfairly and are often detained or even killed for things at much higher rates than that of white people under similar circumstances. This often makes it harder for a black person to get ahead and compete in the world. I do not mean this to indict any particular blame on any grander people group. Some people do it intentionally and others do it due unintentionally, but whatever the cause, I wish for it to stop. Their lives are important to me and I would like it to be easier for them to succeed.
• What People Hear:
• By selecting these exact phrases, I hear you saying that I don't believe black lives matter and that I and the entirety of white people have rigged the game against them. If you think I do not value black lives, you are calling me racist.
• How They Respond:
• Most Opponents
• Since you think I'm racist, I need to defend myself. I am not a racist and I will do everything in my power to prove to you I'm not racist. I'm the kind of person who values ALL life #AllLivesMatter. I will now hear nothing of your argument because I'm too consumed with defending myself against your unwarranted attack. 
• An Offended but Once-Potential Ally for Black Lives
• Few Opponents: 
• Like hell they do. They're thugs and jerks.
• An Actual Racist
• How People Respond to the Response:
• Saying #AllLivesMatter is nonsense because only black lives are on the line. You are trying to take the burden off black lives to hide your racism. 
• Unknown and unfair insinuation. Perhaps true for some, perhaps not for others. Destroys hopes of potential ally.

#WhitePrivilege

• What it Should Mean
• The difficulties of being black are hard for a white person to comprehend because they're not in the same situation and facing these challenges day in and day out. It's also very hard to pinpoint because it's like death by a million cuts. So any one thing I point to will look menial and worthless, and the bigger picture is just too hard to articulate and be grasped by those who are lucky enough to not have to deal with it.
• What People Hear:
• I most often hear this phrase as an insult. I am often told to "check my privilege" or "ha, exactly what a privileged person would say!" or "you're too caught up in your privilege to see what's right in front of you." You are calling me blind and again you are calling me racist. 
• How They Respond:
• Most Opponents
• Since, once again, you think I'm racist, I need to defend myself. You called me blind, stupid, and incapable just because I am white. This is actual literal racism. You are insulting me and blaming me for something that has nothing to do with me just because I am white. I am no longer listening to your racist anti-white rubbish.
• An Offended but Once-Potential Ally for Black Lives
• Few Opponents: 
• Ha, I'm privileged because I'm better and screw your desire to help them.
• An Actual Racist
• How People Respond to the Response:
• Ha! Racism against white people. Hilarious. Boo hoo, poor you. Black people are DYING and you're crying about me pointing out your privilege of not having to deal with black issues.
• Unfair. It is indeed racism. It may not be "as bad" but that doesn't matter. What black people deal with in America is not as bad as some other things going on in the world so should we similarly boo hoo them? Of course not. If you think that is a valid response, then you are indeed saying that white lives and feelings don't matter just because black ones have it worse. Relative comfort is not important here. We should never intentionally put someone down just because they defend themselves from a perceived attack.

Do X or Stop Y!

• What it Should Mean
• I've noticed the above confusion. I've come around and now understand the situation. Things could have been easier for me to see it if x was done instead of y. I think by doing x, we could have more allies and get more accomplished.
• What People Hear:
• You're doing it all wrong, that's why it's not working. Let me tell you what you should do in this situation because I'm too stupid to realize that I don't have a clue what's going on.
• How They Respond:
• You're a dumbass. Don't tell me what to do. You can't tell the oppressed how to deal with the oppressor. You're white, you couldn't even understand!
• Unfair. Being white doesn't stop a white person from comprehending what would help a white person better understand.
• How People Respond to the Response:
• A dumbass, am I? The oppressor, am I? Well, now I am offended and will no longer listen to your position nor try to help. You're too far gone and caught up in your foolishness.
• An Offended Ally No Longer Willing to Help

#NotAllCops, #BlueLivesMatter, #AllLivesMatter, #DontKneel, #GoTrump, #StopRioting, #StopLooting, etc, etc

• Okay, not all of these are real Hashtags, but this is all backlash from the above. Sure, there are a few people who are straight-up racist, but the argument is generally that you're not referring to those kinds of racist people and that it's more subconscious or whatever. If you truly believe that, then you should certainly have a lot more allies on the right, yes? So why don't you? Because all the above is so poorly handled and nobody is willing to do anything but shout. Everyone is angry, everyone is frustrated, everyone is tired of it. Even those who are anti-kneeling are probably only anti-kneeling because they're so sick of the drama and being called racist in the above dialogues that they just want to watch a football game instead of being reminded of these terrible back and forth conversations. We can do better.

Offended Ears Never Hear

Many times I have come to the conclusion that offended ears never hear. It's become a common idea and a way of understanding the world for me. I had no idea, however, just how hard it would be to share this concept with others. I thought it would be a fairly well-known psychological phenomena that people would just pick up and comprehend. I tried searching for a good quote to share that would hold more weight than my own statements, but it seems to be entirely missing from the internet. Nobody is talking about it.

This topic mostly comes up for me when discussing social injustice. Perhaps this is why it cannot be heard. I am usually relaying this gem of wisdom to irate people which, as I should obviously know, will not be fruitful. And when I try to make it work, people usually get angry with me which makes me angry at them and nobody hears anything anymore.

The reason I bring this up in conversation is because I am deeply vested in social change. I want so badly for things to be better for everyone and I am super empathetic to the plight of all people whether black, white, red, yellow, blue, male, female, transgender, straight, gay, etc. When I see left vs right political discourse, it is quite nearly always in the form of mockery and offense. While those who agree with the disposition will approve, applaud, and encourage such behavior, it will have absolutely zero benefit for changing the mind of the target. If people are posting these things for the supposed purpose of social change, they are then actively working against themselves. If they do not care if it's helpful, then they are simply ranting and can't hardly be said to care for the cause they so desperately claim to care for.

Not only do offended ears lack the ability to hear, the owners of such ears will immediately go into defense mode. And when in defense mode, they will justify their every belief and opinion and become even more entrenched in it. Round and round it goes, left vs right, offending each other and helping each other dig their respective trenches. This is the opposite of supporting social change. Quite often I hear that silence is akin to condoning and that now is the time to take a stand, but silence would be far more appropriate than causing offense. Causing offense is more akin to condoning the behavior since you've given up all hope in making a change and actively make it worse. If you truly believe that something is so intolerable, then you should do whatever is in your power to benefit the cause and refrain from doing anything that will hinder the cause. And offending others is one very quick way to make matters worse.

Just think about it: can you come up with a single point in time where offending someone changed their mind? If you can, congratulations. By contrast, however, can you think of a time where offending someone made them more obstinate and set in their ways? I am sure you can think of many more. It is a very simple fact of human psychology.

And so, I quite often point to this obvious fact when the slings and arrows are dancing through the air of the Facebook feeds. I stand right in the middle of the arrows shouting, "Hey! This isn't helping!" and I get the oh-so-common retort of "You're just a white male! You can't possibly know how it feels! How dare you tone police us!!" or, of course, "You're just a snowflake! If you hate America so much, why don't you just leave?! Ooh, did I hurt your feelings?? Go home and cry to mommy!" A clear case of missing the point. And, of course, these are hurtful and offensive things which, given enough arrows to the heart, will eventually bring me down with everyone else. And so, I get angry and say something hurtful myself and become one of the masses. Where will it end?

I often hear in response, "Well, we tried being nice!" Okay, well, I guess that sums it up, right? Clearly niceness doesn't work, so let's be mean! Well, being offensive and rude is guaranteed to backfire. Kindness and patience stand a chance of changing people's minds, but it's not a microwave. It takes time, effort, consistency, trust, and not actively working against yourself. One by one, if we can calmly and rationally explain the situation to someone without offending them, we can gain another ally. With enough allies, policies change and social improvement can be had. The alternative is straight-up war. You've had enough, they can't be reasoned with, but hey, they still exist and will never relent, so the only remaining option is to fight to the death. That may be an option, but let's consider for a moment that we've already tried this as well. We've already had the war. Whoever wins the war gets their way, but only for a while and it only takes us so far. The losers will still exist but with less power. Resentment continues and grows. And while we got a little bit of what we wanted, the outcome is yet more bickering, fighting, and leading to the next war.

So when does it end? It ends when we teach effective communication. It ends when we care more for understanding another person's perspective and being considerate of their feelings in the way things are discussed so that they do not activate defense mode and their ears can remain open. This is not a war of comparison on who has it worse. This is not a "woe is the ignored white-man's feelings" attempt. This is an attempt to recognize what is best for everyone. The offended will absolutely not come rushing to your aid. Until we learn this, we will forever dig deeper into our holes of hatred.