Not My Problem

More excerpts from the book whose direction has changed.

Not My Problem

I used to take up the entire world as my problem. Human rights were mine to defend. The very culture of the world was mine to cultivate. The minds of fools were mine to correct. I took it upon myself to explain things and participate in things whenever I had the chance if I thought my own two cents were correct and valuable. I especially took pride in the calmness and rationality with which I presented it all. Despite this, it continually stressed me and often brought me into depression.

            People were extremely immature and incapable of reason. It burdened me all the more finding that my well-thought-out responses had little to no effect. In fact, they likely had the opposite effect. Psychology has demonstrated time and again that when you argue with people, they tend to get even more attached to their false beliefs. Stupid people. So what could I do? Well, nothing. It was never my problem to begin with.

Now don’t get me wrong, it is definitely a great thing that people take up the charge to fight for what is right and I highly commend it--especially if they organize. But I wasn’t organizing; I was doing it out of habit, I was making things worse, and I simply felt obligated to fix it because I knew better and thus had a moral responsibility. Being prone to depression and anxiety triggered by the rejection of others, however, the last thing I needed on my plate was a platform for ridicule. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong method, wrong state of personal growth.

This often extended to my professional life as well. If people wanted to do things in an illogical way or had incorrect assumptions and beliefs, I would quite often take the charge to correct it. It especially infuriated me when leadership made decisions that were clearly ridiculous and useless and would make things worse. Someone needed to stand up and make sure the whole company didn’t spiral into a flaming pile of manure.

Well, it turns out, it is far better to focus only on the problems which are actually mine to solve. It’s not my place to correct the leadership and if they want to do things in inefficient ways, so be it; they will eventually figure it out. Or not. But until it is my role to make such decisions, it is best to let such things go uncontested if they are not of a safety or legal concern that might harm innocent people. Trying to make these things my problem only ever served to fuel my feelings of inadequacy and invite ridicule or hate--definitely not things I needed while I remained vulnerable.

As I am now feeling much more capable and stronger than before, I am a bit more willing to put myself out there. Even writing this book is focusing on the problems of others which has the potential to sway me into feelings that would previously lead to depression. It is really easy to think that my words are not eloquent enough and that I am a fool to think my words can help anyone.

My response to self? Well, who really cares if this helps anyone? Sure, the purpose in writing is to help people, but it’s not my responsibility and I’m doing it out of sheer interest in the topic and a mere hope that it could be of benefit. If not, it’s not a big deal. Did I waste my time? Sure, maybe, but I can probably learn from it in the process and it’s nice to get my thoughts on paper. So it’s not a complete waste, but even if it were, what would it matter? People waste their time all the time. It’s not the end of the world if my effort did nothing.

I do not need to be great, known, or useful. It would be awesome if I was, but it’s mostly outside my control. I do not get to choose if the world enthralls itself with me, my ideas, my skills, or creations. So I will simply do what I love and let the dice fall where they may. And if, at any time while I write this, I feel the sting of shame or incompetence, I will simply hang it up for a while and judge it again at a later time. I am allowed to feel that way, and I am not forced to complete this. And when the feeling subsides, I can determine if it was a mere glitch in my hardware or if indeed this is turning into a turd-pile unworthy of anyone’s attention. The only thing that is mine to fix is my own mind--not the world.

It is most often right to let others be wrong.