Am I a Monster?

The question resounds in my mind quite regularly: Am I a monster? I see myself through the eyes of others on a regular basis which often yields some ugly results and yet even that might be nothing more than my fantasy. Perhaps I am reading people wrong and I devise these ill perceptions through the lens of my monstrous optical appendages. Of course, that would make me of unsound mind which could be classified as monstrous. So how do I know fact from fantasy when evaluating myself through the eyes of others? And should I care what others think of me?

Well, I do care. I do not mean for this article to be in jest. I am truly evaluating it. The last thing I want to be is a monster and I cannot devise a better method of determining such than through the eyes of others. And yet, there are other monsters in the world. If I am a monster in the eyes of a monster, then clearly such depiction should come less shocking and valuable. So I must choose from whose eyes to evaluate myself.

This, of course, yields to a strong potential bias. I can choose the people I like through which to view myself which might yield accurate results, but more likely it would puff me up thinking I'm the best thing since sliced bread. I probably like those people more who tend to like me so I will put a heavier weight on those who think more highly of me. I could also choose those closets to me, family, but I highly resonate with Jesus' sentiment that a prophet is not without honor except in his own home. Not that I am a prophet or that I have any honor outside home, but the fact is, family will be grading us much harsher than anyone else and it may not even be accurate. Or maybe that's just my family? Either way, such blind and biased representations of self is how a monster would evaluate, right? Well, or just a human perhaps. Maybe humans simply are monsters. Perhaps there is no escaping that I am a monster and I simply should not be so hung up about it.

But let's analyze facts. Many people complain that they are offended by me. One such complaint came from a Facebook post I wrote about the butterfly effect in how a bird could potentially tip the scales of the presidential election just by landing on a podium. I then indicated that if a bird could have so much power then perhaps we, too, have such power with little acts. After stating what big thing the bird may have done, I then asked, "What have you done lately?" This was meant mostly in jest seeing as I was comparing ourselves to a bird, but that did not stop one particular person from taking extreme offense.

This person indicated that I continually look down upon others and never stop to think about myself. Well, this article is one proof that this is not true and I have many such articles. I am constantly evaluating myself. Running through my Facebook posts, I found a decent percentage belonged to political campaigning, critical thought, and self evaluation. So clearly this statement is not correct. I do evaluate myself quite regularly. Does this mean I ought to throw out this particular view of myself? She is not the first person to accuse me in this way. Is it simply the reward for my critical perspective on life? Is that what happens when we ask the tough questions? It might very well be a good sign rather than a bad sign, but it could also simply indicate an unknown tone that I convey which is off-putting. It might instead be cause for alarm and change on my behalf. But it eludes me.

So is my inability to grasp how I offend people a sign that I belong to a class of monsters? I am not sure. I cannot tell if my willingness to stand up and speak despite the ill will coming my way is a sign of courage and is respectable or if it is a sign of stupidity, arrogance, and false superiority. Am I analyzing key tough issues or am I simply a moron spouting an uneducated opinion? I find most people assume the latter, but does that make it truth simply because they assume it? Perhaps I could approach things differently or perhaps I truly am that uneducated. That is, of course, a tough thing to know. When we gain a small amount of information and do not know what we do not yet know, we are quick to think we are wiser than we truly are. Am I falling into that category? Or have I truly studied enough to be a critical speaker on behalf of the issues I discuss?

I certainly try my hardest, but maybe that is not good enough. A man would be labeled a monster for one act of pedophilia or rape even if he tried really hard to overcome his monstrous urges. One act. Bam. Monster. I have countless acts--not of pedophilia, of course, but of offending people. No matter where I go, if I discuss the things I value, I am offending someone somewhere. If I refrain, I am accepted by all, it seems. So long as I never engage in anything deep or thought-provoking, people love me. But could I truly be considered a noble person if I do not speak on behalf of what I find important? Noble by whose standard, I guess? I know it is not noble in my eyes, but perhaps the eyes of others matter more?

Maybe one could be a monster in one arena and yet not in another? Perhaps I am only a monster on Facebook or in my home. Then again, perhaps I simply have not been found out at work and I cleverly disguise my monstrosities. Every time I take a small break from working I wonder if that makes me a monster. Do others take small breaks? Do they take as many small breaks? I know breaks are important to quality work, but am I now simply justifying myself? What is acceptable for not being a monster?

This is truly getting to me. It has been getting to me for a significant amount of time. I am so tired of people thinking so little of me when I try my damnedest to be fair, honest, thoughtful, and kind. Maybe it's not good enough. Maybe I truly am a monster. I am so weary from seeing myself through the eyes of my accusers yet I fear blinding myself by refusing to acquiesce to the possibilities and shutting them out. If I am the monster, I need to change. But I have not been able to. No amount of studying and critically analyzing myself has led to a change in perspective from others. I see many changes within myself, and yet not enough to convince those nearest me. Is it me? Or is it them? I want to stop asking and I want to run from the accusations. I no longer wish to hear another ill word spoken of me. I simply cannot take the stress any longer. So do I give up on myself? Do I give up on my values? Do I become something I am not for the sake of my ego?

I have tried to give up, and I have failed multiple times. I simply cannot stop caring. Caring about what, however? Caring about being right? About being wrong? Not from my perspective, but from that of others. From my perspective, I care about the quality of the world. And for some reason I keep thinking this makes me a monster. It does make me a monster if my ideals and methodology are wrong. And monsters ruin the quality of the world. Am I the solution or am the problem? I don't know what more to do than to run and hide... Like a monster... The mere fact that I care so much about this and that it truly upsets me makes me think I must not be a monster and yet it also solidifies in my mind that I must be mentally insane. Who else ponders such things? Why do I have to be so different? Does that make me a monster? Is that all a monster is, is someone different than others? Or is it someone who terrorizes. Do I terrorize others? I guess some might say so.

I'm tired of wondering. Tired of questioning. Tired. Just tired. I cannot bear asking any longer. Maybe that just makes me more human if I stop concerning myself with how good I am. Maybe, that just makes me more of a monster if I stop. I now think of how people would view this rant. I can only imagine that responses to an article such as this would merely indicate what I need to change about myself. It always comes down to me, doesn't it... The monster... It has nothing to do with the blindness and lack of consideration from the rest of the populace who demean and beat down any person trying to make positive change while ignoring facts which speak any amount of ill against them. It has nothing at all to do with a complacent culture which thrives on selfishness, greed, and pride which attacks people such as myself and damaging the sensibilities of a frail and honest mind. It infuriates me. It makes my blood boil. But that is just one more sign that I, the angry one, am the monster. I am never satiated. Nothing is ever good enough. Or so they say. The fact that I want change and greater love is a simple sign that I am a malcontent who is never appeased. Do I ask too much or do others offer too little?

I long for a haven of monsters such as I. Monsters dissatisfied with life as it is with its knee-jerk reactions to every minor infraction with zero critical thought and a lust for self. A haven where other monsters recognize the pains of such awareness and realization with utmost of empathy. A place where I am understood, loved, and cherished for my work and desires. A place to call home. A place for supposed monsters such as myself. But perhaps they're right. Maybe my discontent is the problem and not the solution. The world may not be as bad as I perceive. Maybe it truly is a Hallmark world with peace and roses everywhere and everyone is truly trying their hardest to stop genocide and hate. Maybe I've got blinders up to see only the negative. Perhaps it is just me. Perhaps I am indeed... the monster...